Hey, starting a new blog at - songsyaneedtoknow.tumblr.com

Follow it at your own risk. Or, like, not at your own risk at all, actually. Please and thank you. :D

eversosimplyme asked: hello there!

Hello there as well! I’ll send you the link to my FB in a question.

She does not suck. You have no proof otherwise, Micaela, so suck it.

They’re not contagious, and are in fact a genetic disease. You have no proof otherwise, Katie, so suck it.

He’s totally British. You have no proof, so suck it, Jeremiah.

thiscommonfeeling asked: Who was the first transsexual supervillain?

Him from the Powerpuff Girls. Next time, try not to ask such an easy question. You disgust me.

timebroccoli asked: WHY DO YOU SAY "FUCK THE CAROLINAS"?

iamsadnow

1. Because you got the crashed plane. Duh.
2. Because I knew you were one of the only people who actually read this.
3. Because fuck da police.

We quickly bonded over our mutual appreciation of Nirvana’s musical stylings.

Also, I cannot think of any better way to celebrate my 102nd blog post besides porn stars and me as a tranny… That’s essentially my blog in a nutshell.

Kids Don’t Care If You’re Alright, Honey! Pills Don’t Help, But It Sure Is Funny! Gimme, Gimme Some Of That Vampire Money, C’mon! - 3/25/11

Hello, blog readers! I’m sorry I’ve been away for a while. I had to fight off the invading forces of the North Galactan Interplanetary Army armed only with my wits, a Macintosh computer, and three months worth of military-grade munitions. It was tough, but I don’t think they’re coming anywhere near this planet ever again.

In order to make it up to you guys (all three of you), I decided to make this a special three-part article! And it’s going to bleed comedy out of every possible crevice (except that would actually be gross, so it probably won’t do that).

Speaking of bleeding, the first thing I would like to discuss is everyone’s favorite topic: vampire apocalypse and emos.

Now, for the past week or so, I’ve been on an Eminem binge. As of this moment, we have found no tracable cause for it, but I do have a team of crack scientists working on it. I have been referencing him on Facebook, at school, and now on Tumblr.

It was only a matter of time before the topic turned to vampires.

I’ll let the following link (posted by myself) explain everything for you: http://malaysia.answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20110323164409AAAV0I4

A nice young man from Detroit (who is definately not my friend Luke pretending to be a nice young man from Detroit) answered my question within the hour. This is when I found out the shocking truth - Emos still walk amongst us.

I never got too far into the “emo” craze, stopping at listening to their music. I didn’t understand the hair. I didn’t understand the way they moped about petty things while people in Japan are getting a major dose of Mother Nature period. I particularly didn’t understand why they were growing popular so quickly while all the goths were still protesting in Indiana for their own suffrage. However, no matter how popular they grew, I simply viewed them as a typical annoyance.

But now thanks to that man (not Luke), I know that the situation is much more dire. The emos are quickly rising to power, and are even trying to soil the good name of the ever-so-sparkly vampires by dressing as them and eating hobos! The Detroit polic have fallen for it, too, blaming the poor vampires for the emos wrong-doings!

We must put a stop to this!

But speaking of stops, my dad (Charlie Sheen humor never gets old… Ever…) has announced the official stops on his cross-country comedy tour! I want to go so badly, since he’s coming to both Cincinatti and Columbus. Plus, by getting close to him in person, it will make it much easier to find conclusive evidence that he’s my dad, so I can sue him for my years of fatherlessness.

But really, what a better outlet for Dad to let off some steam. People have been eating up everything he says like Valiums (there’s another Eminem reference) for the past few months, so what better step to take next than to talk about nothing for hours on end?

Once I get tickets, I’m totally bringing my close and dear friend porn star/comic book author Ariel Rebel to meet him. I’ll be able to show him how much I’ve learned from him over the years that he’s spent not contacting me and/or paying child support.

And speaking of complete wrecks, that brings up the last thing that I wanted to talk to you tonight. Remember about two ago when that plane landed in the Hudson river with all passengers completely safe?

Nope.

No? Why not?

Because you never actually post about news anymore, and you’re honestly the only source of information that I have.

Oh. Right. Well, anyway, the US Airways Flight 1549 crashed due to engine troubles on January 15 2009. This is notable because their pilot was ballsy as all shit, and decided “Screw t. I’m landing this plane in the River!” All-in-all, none of the passengers were killed or seriously injured, and the plane was evacuated in a mind-numbing 90 seconds.

Well, now they decided to show us the inside of the plane for the first time as part of an exhibit at the Carolinas Aviation Museum. Because the Carolinas get all the coolest stuff, those jerks.

Earlier today I witnessed a video tour given by Inside Edition (the only news show that matters) in which you could see the chairs ripped apart from the crash, the dirt and debris that was left behind, and the lost souls of the castaways who were captured by the smoke monster.

I guess there’s something we can learn from this… With enough bravery and passion for others, no matter what race or religion or sexual orientation, we can accomplish anything. We can land planes into seas, stakes into the hearts of emos, and Charlie Sheen’s male-parts into various porn stars. It’s a great world we live in, and we need to embrace it for all it’s worth.

Also, fuck the Carolinas.

I’m Bradley Wilson, and [Catchphrase To Be Determined].

I was feeling lazy today, so I just took a random Photoshop from an earlier blog post and put it here. This kinda relates to whatever it is we were talking about today, right?